Ngozi

When I asked her what matters most to her now, after more than a decade of living in Canada, her answer wasn't about her career, education, or even where she lives.

“The most important thing to me is usually people, and safety. Especially safety.”

She explained that, particularly since the pandemic, she believes people have increasingly been looking for “trust and safety” as many have found themselves “lost in technology” rather than enjoying “real, face-to-face interactions and connections.” As I listened to her talk about her family, her children, her marriage, I began to understand that safety, for her, isn't simply about physical safety. 

It is about emotional safety.

It is about all children, in the community, knowing they are wanted and cared for.

It is about having relationships where you can be your authentic self, and be vulnerable.

It is about knowing that the community around you will protect and support you. 

And perhaps most importantly, safety to Ngozi is about creating a home where people belong. For people new to the Kelowna community, that sense of safety isn’t always immediately felt. Ngozi mentioned that it can be “a difficult place if you're not European, white, or looking like the majority of the population.” However, she cites that there are many groups you can join to find connection, and that she herself contributes to creating the world she wishes to see. Her passion for healthy living has inspired her to lead “ group setting therapy and counseling support, and prayer groups; sometimes, even weekly, in [her] own home.” She says, “Here, we create room for people to be themselves, and to share their own story. We help each other navigate the changes and challenges that come with immigration, but also just life in general.” 

Ngozi was raised in Nigeria by pastors, and spirituality continues to be an important part of her life. She described how her upbringing taught her that faith, education, curiosity, and diversity do not need to exist separately from one another. She says: 

“I think having any relationship with God should be tied to an understanding of life's challenges, the importance of getting educated, and being open to different perspectives, cultures, and people.” These are a few of the many values she has intentionally carried into raising her own children. She sends them to public school, takes them to church, and encourages them to explore the people, places, and communities around them.

“I want them to explore different places in the neighborhood, and get to know the people here. I want them to stay curious.”

As a traveler, Ngozi says “living with diversity” is just the norm, and she sees how in Canada, many Canadians embrace diversity and work towards it being the norm, here, too. Her children similarly love to travel, but for Ngozi, travel doesn't necessarily mean getting on a plane and going somewhere far away. She told me that she loves “knowing [her] own neighborhood,” and values the importance of exploring and learning about wherever you find yourself, and whichever place you make your home.” 

Ngozi made the Okanagan home after meeting her husband through mutual friends on Facebook. He was born and raised in Canada and had three children from a previous marriage. Because his children could not move, Ngozi made the decision to move to Kelowna, where they married and created a blended family. They have now been married for eight years.

Their relationship is interracial, and while their marriage has brought tremendous meaning to her life, it has also exposed her to some of the more difficult realities of being an immigrant in the Okanagan. She described one experience as “significantly shocking.” She was interrogated for wanting to get married. She was accused of immigration fraud. She was accused of inheritance theft by members of her husband's family.

And then, after having children, the situation became even more painful.

“It's like my kids are not included in the family. The white stepchildren are preferred over my children.”

As a mother, she made the decision to establish boundaries and, where necessary, distance in order to protect her children. She states, “I've had to have more estrangement and boundaries to protect their innocence right now until they are older.”

Ngozi has not returned to Nigeria since moving to Canada in 2012. Most of her family remains there, and they stay connected every week through WhatsApp, Facebook, and regular phone calls. Still, she is very clear that technology cannot replace physical presence. She says, “I don't think the phone calls, emails, or social media is enough to connect to your real family. You need to be present if possible,” highlighting one of many sacrifices immigrants make when leaving their home country. Leaving your home country; a whole life behind; is an immensely difficult choice, and it is one that is more complex than people might realize. 

When it comes to immigration, there can be a bias that people leave their home countries because they are fleeing or victims of circumstances. And, sometimes, they are. However, Ngozi's story is a reminder that immigration is far more complicated. As I walked out of her beautiful home, Ngozi spoke to how immigrants are “not all just victims. Every human experiences hardship. We’re all just people.” On the same note, she mentioned how people move for education. They move for work. They move for love. They move because they are curious about the world, because they want to build a family, or because an opportunity takes them somewhere unexpected. She states: 

“People have always moved and people have always crossed borders. People have always fallen in love with people from different cultures. People have always built families in places that were not necessarily the places where their parents or grandparents were born. Immigration is not an unusual human experience. It is a common human experience that makes communities better.” 

When asked what advice Ngozi would give to anyone thinking of immigrating to Kelowna, she said that  “I think immigrants should understand that the values we bring are not always the same values that are around, especially in a city like Kelowna. But, that is not a bad thing. We can take what’s beautiful about Canadian values, while also still sharing our own. I think that if you are an immigrant, you are coming to a country to contribute; to improve the human condition. You're not here to just isolate yourself and cut off everyone. Including others is part of how we get included, so don’t be afraid to share who you are, too.” 

That, to me, is the heart of belonging.

Belonging isn't something that one group gets to hand to another.

It is something we build together.

This is Ngozi's story, and it is one of many that make up our beautiful, Okanagan community.
 

For more on her experience navigating her interracial marriage, please watch her story here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHamH_J9GBY&si=XS7VDBq81flazPlh